i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
