someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
