I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
