I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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