dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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