If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize