I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
