just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
ugly people sure do ruin things
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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