i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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