Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize