Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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