and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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