New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
