Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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