never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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