Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The uberlube is also flammable
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
