I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
