I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
