so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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