my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
