I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
