So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
