I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
