I think I won the penis lottery.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
