You're my little dorito
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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