woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
