How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize