Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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