I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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