at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
