My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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