I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
