i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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