i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
