Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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