her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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