There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
