Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
