I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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