My room smells like vodka and shame
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
