I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
