yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
