Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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