I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
