does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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