If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
