If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
God, I missed his penis.
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