Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Vodka?
Forever.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
