Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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