we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
