I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
