He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
did i walk over a car last night?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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