Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
